best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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