You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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