Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
