So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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