I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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