I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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