My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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