Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
