saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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