I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
