maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
