I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
did i just pee glitter
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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