Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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