it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
