just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
