I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
