dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
