How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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