Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
