Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
