are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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