he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
