Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
