Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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