U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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