Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
