i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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