Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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