On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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