Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
