I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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