you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
