Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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