I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
