He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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