She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
