There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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