I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
how drunk are you?
Several
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Holy shit dude........stairs
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