god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize