literally had 100 drinks last night.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
