I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
