just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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