you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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