Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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