I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
