my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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