I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
