Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
