My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
