Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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