I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
