so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
