Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
