At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize