2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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