I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
