I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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