Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
