my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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