I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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