I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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